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The Things Forgotten
I Forget Most Things
When we look back on our lives and what we had for lunch last Tuesday, all the little conversations we had, the emails we sent, sometimes even the places we went. We may forgot the details, sometimes we may forget things that happened completely!
If we think of every time we went outside, the parks we walked through, the places we travelled. Do we really remember all of them?
The random walks from one place to another. Taking a little detour to see something new. Meeting a friend and going for a stroll after dinner. The good times remain in our mind, the exceptionally bad ones also have a way of sticking. The majority of little interactions however, what happens to them?
A meal to remember, a last supper, a new cuisine, food we’ll never forget and food we can’t wait to forget. We’re lucky to have so much.
Out of it all though, only a small fraction of it all is remembered and actively recalled. I remember a lot better the things I’ve documented and photographed, capturing moments to revisit them later and share them again with friends. However at some point I will pass and all of it will be forgotten.
What happens then? What happens to all the meals shared, places visited and paths trodden?
In The End
إِنَّ ٱلْإِنسَـٰنَ لَفِى خُسْرٍ
إِلَّا ٱلَّذِينَ ءَامَنُوا۟ وَعَمِلُوا۟ ٱلصَّـٰلِحَـٰتِ وَتَوَاصَوْا۟ بِٱلْحَقِّ وَتَوَاصَوْا۟ بِٱلصَّبْرِ
“Surely humanity is in ˹grave˺ loss, except those who have faith, do good, and urge each other to the truth, and urge each other to perseverance.“ — Qur’an 103:2-103:3
The Arabic word for mankind “insaan”, shares the same root as forgetfulness “nasiya”. This shows us the close inherent relationship between humans and forgetfulness.
The important thing is not what is forgotten, but what is remembered. What is our legacy after we die? What will our obituary say? How will we be remembered? Is it a legacy we would be happy with?
Even more so than what people will say after we die, what will God say to us after we die? When we are reminded of our actions on the Day of Judgement will we be happy with what we did? Will we be happy with all the things we are reminded that we said to people? When we are shown our life played back to us is there something we’ll be embarrassed about or ashamed to be reminded of?
Oftentimes we’ll find that there may be things that we have said and done but forgotten about. We don’t want to find ourselves reminded of them and thinking “What was the point” or even worse “I regret that deeply”. We would ideally aim to look back and feel content that we lived a good life, with good actions, earning clean money and accruing good deeds.
The Amnesiac Traveller
A few years ago I saw a TV series in which a man awakes peacefully but confused in the middle of a dessert. He finds that he has forgotten his past and can’t remember who he is or what has brought him to the middle of this oasis.
He soon finds people chasing him and trying to hurt him. As he evades their traps and manages to piece together his past, he is horrified with what he sees….
He finds a dark past full of sins, deceit, wronging people and wreaking havoc. The same people he had wronged are now out for retributive justice, seeking to right the wrongs of the past and take their revenge.
As a TV series this is clearly quite dramatised however on the Day of Judgement when every soul will have its due recompense are we going to find people asking for their just deserts? Will people seek retribution for ways we wronged or hurt them?
كُلُّ نَفْسٍۢ ذَآئِقَةُ ٱلْمَوْتِ ۗ وَإِنَّمَا تُوَفَّوْنَ أُجُورَكُمْ يَوْمَ ٱلْقِيَـٰمَةِ ۖ فَمَن زُحْزِحَ عَنِ ٱلنَّارِ وَأُدْخِلَ ٱلْجَنَّةَ فَقَدْ فَازَ ۗ وَمَا ٱلْحَيَوٰةُ ٱلدُّنْيَآ إِلَّا مَتَـٰعُ ٱلْغُرُورِ ١٨٥
“Every soul will taste death. And you will only receive your full reward on the Day of Judgment. Whoever is spared from the Fire and is admitted into Paradise will ˹indeed˺ triumph, whereas the life of this world is no more than an illusory pleasure.” — Quran 3:185
When we look back on our life, what are we going to think of all the little moments? Are we going to run into people and be reminded of how we mistreated them? Did we treat them with less than the best that was in our capacity?
Time Invested
Every moment we have is an opportunity to invest. Every moment we make an active choice into which sort of life we want to lead. We should ensure we are always cognisant of investing wisely, in decisions that we will be happy with down the line. Not just doing things because we can, or because they’re there but because they’re the best thing we need to do.
We should be intentional about our choices and ensure that we’re doing what is most in line with our values and purpose, always doing what brings us closest to God. The actions that are most pleasing to Him.
When we look back on life are we going to be happy with the coffee we shared with friends? A fun catchup is a great opportunity to learn and connect. Time spent with friends is a great opportunity for fun, comfort and time to come together and enliven each others days.
Friendship, support and companionship are some of the most noble virtues known to mankind. If we’re not careful however we may find we run out of useful things to say and regress into gossip. We may find ourselves embroiled in a conversation that we will later regret; time that was ultimately squandered in vainglorious pursuits — in the service of nothing at all.
“Idle hands are the devil’s workshop; idle lips are his mouthpiece” — Proverbs 16:27 TLB
Through some self-awareness and pre-planning we can endeavour to spend our time wisely. By reflecting on our actions in the past we can learn how to best spend our time in line with our values.
If we know that some social circles always descend into arguing after a few hours together we can ensure we leave early. If we know some friends keep us out late and we end up being tired and slacking on responsibilities the next day we can ensure we free up our calendar the next day, or politely excuse ourselves early.
Overall we balance what is important to us, enjoyable and valuable. We aim to live a life that is in alignment with our values and invested wisely, in all aspects of our time.
Work Energy
Spending too much time at work while neglecting family and friends is one of the greatest regrets people have on their deathbeds.
Ideally when we look back on our career we want to be happy that we worked on impactful work, treated people well even during trying times and ultimately that we were able to eke out a livelihood for ourselves; in a way that was ethical, pleasing to God, and in the service of others, our family, our community and our society at large.
It can sometimes feel that we don’t have enough agency to make impactful choices, especially early on in one’s career and education. We may find that we’re not able to choose our projects or our modules. These years are an investment into the future but that doesn’t mean the early years are wasted just because we’re not working on our dream job.
One still has lots of agency over their time and their choices, how we choose to interact with others and prioritise our values.
No matter how busy we are, what will we value in the long term? Later in life are we going to regret the time poured into work and powerpoint presentations while missing prayers and neglecting family? Or are we going to look back and be pleased with our sacrifices and our ability to balance commitments; pleased that we were able to maintain our livelihood along with our familial and religious responsibilities.
Intention in the moment
It’s easy to talk about this in macro terms, but how do we cultivate this intentionality when we’re on the spot and in the middle of something?
We can ask ourselves a few questions as we go through life and find ourselves at different junctures:
- What is the best thing I can do right now? What is the most pleasing thing to God?
- What will I be happy to have presented back to me at the end of my life?
- If I don’t do this, what is the consequence? Am I going to regret it?
These sort of frameworks help us to align our values with our actions and minimise regret later on. Sometimes however a modicum of regret is inevitable…
Making mistakes
At some point or other we will have to look back, and admit we made a mistake. Perhaps we messed up or we wronged someone, perhaps something was in our control to do better and we let ourselves down. However that is in the past, there is no use crying over spilt milk.
“Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new.” ― Albert Einstein
We all err, it is part of being human. If we were to make no mistakes we would be angels. Alas, we are only human.
قَالَ رَسُولُ اللَّهِ صَلَّى اللَّهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّمَ وَالَّذِي نَفْسِي بِيَدِهِ لَوْ لَمْ تُذْنِبُوا لَذَهَبَ اللَّهُ بِكُمْ وَلَجَاءَ بِقَوْمٍ يُذْنِبُونَ فَيَسْتَغْفِرُونَ اللَّهَ فَيَغْفِرُ لَهُمْ
The Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings be upon him, said, “By the One in whose hand is my soul, if you did not sin, Allah would replace you with people who would sin, and they would seek forgiveness from Allah and He would forgive them.” [Sahih]
From this point of view we should not berate ourselves excessively for our mistakes, we can’t change them. We can however reflect on them and think about how to improve in the future.
Moving on from a mistake or sin is simple, there are only 4 steps:
- First we need to stop, if it’s something we’re still doing we stop immediately.
- Then we need to resolve to not committing the misdeed again.
- Finally we ask God to forgive us.
- If we have wronged anyone we should ask their forgiveness – as long as bringing up the subject isn’t going to lead to more pain and chaos.
Having done our three or four steps, finally we should find it in ourselves to forgive ourselves. What is done is done, the book is closed and we should move onto new opportunities where we can conduct ourselves better.
Practising self-compassion means accepting that we’re fallible. We may have slipped but we shouldn’t berate ourselves about a past we can’t change. Once we have learned from it and taken measures to make amends, we move onwards and strive to live better.
Conclusion
When we get to the end of our days we want to have a life we can look back on and be proud of. A life where we can be sincerely happy that we tried to live true to our values; living a meaningful life by helping others and living a life that was pleasing to God.
وَلَسَوْفَ يُعْطِيكَ رَبُّكَ فَتَرْضَىٰٓ
أَلَمْ يَجِدْكَ يَتِيمًۭا فَـَٔاوَىٰ
وَوَجَدَكَ ضَآلًّۭا فَهَدَىٰ
وَوَجَدَكَ عَآئِلًۭا فَأَغْنَىٰ
فَأَمَّا ٱلْيَتِيمَ فَلَا تَقْهَرْ
وَأَمَّا ٱلسَّآئِلَ فَلَا تَنْهَرْ
وَأَمَّا بِنِعْمَةِ رَبِّكَ فَحَدِّثْ
“And ˹surely˺ your Lord will give so much to you that you will be pleased.
Did He not find you as an orphan then sheltered you?
Did He not find you unguided then guided you?
And did He not find you needy then satisfied your needs?
So do not oppress the orphan,
nor repulse the beggar.
And proclaim the blessings of your Lord.” —Qur’an 93:5-11
Further reading:
https://nesslabs.com/work-life-balance-problem
Regret minimisation framework: https://www.fastcompany.com/90662406/jeff-bezos-uses-a-simple-framework-for-making-big-decisions-heres-how-it-works
https://alyjuma.medium.com/the-regret-minimization-framework-how-jeff-bezos-
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